One Of Those Days

This is never easy to talk about, especially as I cannot understand what I am feeling half the time myself. I am suffocating in a mist of confusing, all consuming emotions._MG_2180 72

On particularly bad days when depression and anxiety has me in it’s vice like grip, I can barley function at all, the simplest of tasks, like getting out of bed, getting dressed, facing the day at all, fills me with such overwhelming terror that I just want to hide away under my duvet and cry until it eases a little. For a long time this is what I did, I hid away in the dark, completely alone.  I had isolated myself from the world, so angry and ashamed of myself for not being stronger.  Mental Illness is not something to be ashamed of though and we must talk about these things.  Do not hide away and think you are alone, because we are not, we have each other.

I did not want to live like that anymore, but I wanted to live.  To watch my daughter grow into the beautiful person she was becoming.  To not be afraid to take her to the park, I wanted her to have good memories of me, so as scary as it was I went back to college and got back out in the world, which has not been easy and I am in no way “better”, not by a long shot, but when I look back to when I was at my worst to where I am now I realise how far I have actually come.  I cannot believe it myself sometimes.

I still have these days where I just want to hide away but I do not ever want to go back to that place that had no hope, so I get up and trudge through the day on auto pilot, in the hope that tomorrow will not be as bad.

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Focused

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This beautiful little girl is my whole world!  I strive every day to do my best and she gives me the focus I need to pursue my goals.

Mindfulness

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Having struggled several years with mental health issues, mainly anxiety and depression, mindfulness was recommended to me. I really struggled with this concept at first and it does take a lot of practice.  Being mindful of the present moment sounds easy to do, yet, with our minds continuously being pulled in so many different and distracting directions, this can be more difficult that you may realise.  I incorporated mindfulness with my photography which has helped and I often go on mindful walks with my camera. I try to pay full attention to my surrounding, appreciating the details, colours, texture.  These images are from one of these walks, in a forest that I walk my dog most days, but being more mindful allowed me to see things I would not normally notice.  Mindfulness takes practice and I am still practicing each day, one photograph at a time.

Destination Unknown

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Theses images represent the the sale and subsequent move out of my flat, a place that had a mixture of good times and bad. Change is never easy but I will never stop moving forward.