This is never easy to talk about, especially as I cannot understand what I am feeling half the time myself. I am suffocating in a mist of confusing, all consuming emotions.
On particularly bad days when depression and anxiety has me in it’s vice like grip, I can barley function at all, the simplest of tasks, like getting out of bed, getting dressed, facing the day at all, fills me with such overwhelming terror that I just want to hide away under my duvet and cry until it eases a little. For a long time this is what I did, I hid away in the dark, completely alone. I had isolated myself from the world, so angry and ashamed of myself for not being stronger. Mental Illness is not something to be ashamed of though and we must talk about these things. Do not hide away and think you are alone, because we are not, we have each other.
I did not want to live like that anymore, but I wanted to live. To watch my daughter grow into the beautiful person she was becoming. To not be afraid to take her to the park, I wanted her to have good memories of me, so as scary as it was I went back to college and got back out in the world, which has not been easy and I am in no way “better”, not by a long shot, but when I look back to when I was at my worst to where I am now I realise how far I have actually come. I cannot believe it myself sometimes.
I still have these days where I just want to hide away but I do not ever want to go back to that place that had no hope, so I get up and trudge through the day on auto pilot, in the hope that tomorrow will not be as bad.